⚽ The Dispatch, Vol. 6 — Helaas Pindakaas
Wednesday, 24 June 2026 · The People's World Cup · Group Stage
No family sides played yesterday, so we took a day off from soccer entirely (side note: this means we missed Ghana‘s tie with England, you look away for one minute and actual soccer happens!).
This should’ve meant a quiet day on the leaderboard, but Jason made sure I had to update the standings anyway (xoxo).
First he adopted Ronald Koeman. Koeman is, technically, the coach of the Netherlands, not a current player. But Jason’s reasoning was sound: all of the actual Dutch players are younger than him, and he “can’t abide it.”
Jason also submitted some absolutely top-tier Dutch vocabulary, including the phrase helaas pindakaas, which means something like “too bad, peanut butter.”
Naturally, this has been added to the household vocabulary immediately.
Missed the bus? Helaas pindakaas.
Your Monte Carlo simulation fails to account for sudden Dutch bonus points? Helaas pindakaas.
On the board
| # | Player | Country | Total |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Miles | South Korea | 39 |
| 2 | Kit | Türkiye | 36 |
| 3 | Mikaela & Will | Morocco | 34 |
| 4 | Auntie Elena | Belgium | 27 |
| 5 | Jason | Netherlands | 27 |
| 6 | Aunt Jamie | Scotland | 23 |
| 7 | Cats | France | 14 |
| 8 | Grandma Laurie | Czechia | 13 |
| 9 | Nicole | Bosnia & Herzegovina | 11 |
| 10 | Grandpa Tom | New Zealand | 1 |
Miles still leads. The Commissioner still lurks. Mikaela & Will are still too close (imho). Jason has now tied Auntie Elena, which means Dutch vocabulary has achieved parity with Belgian chocolate, an economy I can get behind.
From the Commissioner’s Deck Box
In other inadvisable developments, the Commissioner has begun working on a People’s World Cup trading card game.
Early playtest materials include teams, tactics, events, and the growing suspicion that “someone actually watched the video” may be one of the most powerful cards in the game.
Up next
Today is the big one.
Five family sides close out their groups:
Bosnia & Herzegovina vs Qatar — 3:00 PM ET, Seattle.
Nicole gets one more go. The math has mostly moved on, but our hearts have not.
Scotland vs Brazil — 6:00 PM ET, Miami.
Aunt Jamie versus Brazil. The Tartan Army has vibes. Brazil has Brazil.
Morocco vs Haiti — 6:00 PM ET, Atlanta.
Mikaela & Will are third, Morocco are well-positioned, and I'm mad that I can't watch both 6:00 games.
Czechia vs Mexico — 9:00 PM ET, Estadio Azteca.
Grandma Laurie needs a result against the co-hosts, in front of eighty-odd thousand of their closest friends. Casual.
South Africa vs South Korea — 9:00 PM ET, Monterrey.
Miles defends the crown, Jason and I defend our sanity against an overtired child.
No family games yesterday, five today.
The forecast is dead. Helaas pindakaas.
Let the matches continue.